When I was young and shared my hopes and dreams, I have always expressed wanting to be a mom and have children.Never in my wildest dreams did I think that would include experiencing miscarriage, infertility and NICU/preemie life as an adult. I have grown from it and learned firsthand that God’s plans are usually very different than what our expectations are.
My daughter Hannah who is 4, was a good pregnancy, born February 11, 2018. It was over 24 hours of labor due to being face up, but the doctor turned her, and it was not nearly as traumatic. I had a lot of anxiety while Hannah was a baby. She woke up 3x/night till she was 2, so we waited a couple years to start trying for a second. It took over 2 years to conceive.
I was pregnant for 10 weeks, sick the whole time, and knew something was wrong. Baby’s heart unexpectedly stopped, leading to a miscarriage and D&C. I had already bought boy clothing and planned a theme for the bedroom, just with the gut feeling it was a boy. Hannah named him snowflake, which ended up to be so fitting. I bought a snow globe snowflake necklace for Hannah in remembrance. It turned into a tough Thanksgiving and Christmas. Throughout, I tried to pretend I wasn’t heartbroken and jealous that my baby bump wasn’t there anymore. I watched all of the pregnant mothers continue on with maternity shots and eventually holding their little bundles in their arms. This time, It took only about 4 months to get pregnant again and things were going much better.
I was a mess. So much anxiety and worrying all the way past the 10 week mark due to the previous miscarriage. Suddenly, I was excited, doing well and time flew all the way to 20 weeks. We got the baby’s room painted and mostly ready. I got a new job, a new puppy added to the family and my pregnancy was tolerable. At 21 weeks, I went to a Maternal Fetal Medicine consult in Columbus that was way overdue. I remember taking the following photo right before I walked in, thinking things were so promising.
I was not worried, since it was only supposed to be a short talk with them about my Factor V and when the best time is to switch from Aspirin to Lovenox. They happened to schedule an ultrasound, which was weird because when I did this appointment being pregnant with Hannah, they did not do one. I remember reading in the “check in” notes before I went in that they might ask to do an additional scan for measurements of the cervix. I went in, did the ultrasound/measurements first, then the tech said she would have the doctor come in to speak with me. She came in and said that they have concerns about my cervix being so short that there is basically nothing to measure, causing very high risk for preterm labor. They strongly suggested I be admitted for the weekend to do a few things. They suggested I get monitored, do steroid shots that will prepare the baby’s lungs for preterm birth and possibly IV magnesium for assistance with neuro development. I was surprised and in disbelief that anything could be wrong because I had felt so good the whole time. I was supposed to go back to work that day to my new job I had only been at for two weeks. I was alone that day, and my husband at home with my sick daughter. I agreed to be admitted and it was extremely scary since I was put into the labor and delivery unit, unable to eat and began getting poked and prodded in every direction. It felt as if all of the stress, pain and hospital restrictions were going to induce me into labor. I didn’t understand why they had to do so much if I was having no contractions. My mom was able to stay with me during the day, but I spent the night alone attempting to sleep. I am such a light sleeper that I hardly fell asleep at all and continued to be interrupted in true hospital fashion with the blood draws, vitals and belly monitoring. The next day, I was determined to leave the hospital and go home to be with my family and in my own bed. They were so concerned, but after pulling the, “My family is full of first responders and Paramedics’” card, they agreed to let me go home with restrictions, no work, and promise to come back or go to Mansfield hospital with any symptoms. That day, I did have a fetal fibronectin screen done that was positive and predicts labor within 14 days. For the next week, I was very careful, but still in disbelief that anything could be so terribly wrong if I had no symptoms. It was very depressing being on bed rest and asking people to do things for me even when I felt well. I was determined to try getting back to work as soon as possible. Then, each week I went to see a doctor and get another measurement done, it was strongly recommended that I reduce activity and keep my feet elevated as much as possible. I began to have high anxiety about doing too much or walking too much. It had been years since I thought about sitting to read or watch a TV show, but I started watching The Fellowship of The Ring a becoming a couch potato. By 23 weeks, I started to have leaking fluid that concerned me. I went to OhioHealth Mansfield and had two screens completed. One detected no amniotic fluid, but the fetal fibronectin continued to be positive. They released me that same night.
I remember just the next day, Aaron had surgery and needed a ride home from the hospital. The Nurses found out I was in bed rest and they ended up wheeling me out to the parking garage in the wheel chair Aaron was supposed to be in. Every time I felt pressure, I was so nervous, but continued to feel lots of movement and baby kicks, so glad baby seemed healthy. I began to worry about naming a baby that could possibly die from being born too early, so I stopped searching for names. I began to feel depressed that an incompetent cervix means that any pregnancy we think about after this will be high risk and cause complications again. At 25 weeks, I continued to have leaking fluid, but more pressure than before when I stood up or walked. This is one of the last ultrasounds showing how there was only a little line left of my cervix holding everything in.
On Sept 26th, during the day, I began to feel the continued pressure and times that made me think I was having Braxton Hicks contractions or possibly gas pains. In the evening while Aaron was at a meeting, I was changing my mind about possible real contractions, as they were mostly my lower abdomen right at my uterus. I tried to relax and lay down. Then, I took a warm shower. All at the same time, I stepped out of the shower, Hannah began screaming and I came to find out the dog puked all over the couch. Within all of the chaos, I knew I had to tell Aaron. After putting Hannah to bed, Aaron and I sat on the couch together, timing what I was feeling. It was so random being sometimes closer to 8 min apart and other times over 20 min. I told him I just want to go to bed, so we did. By the time we got settled laying down, we timed them again, and they were getting to be under 3 min apart. It was time to go to the hospital. At that point, my hope was that either these were not really contractions, and if they were, they would go away. We had Aarons mom come over to stay with Hannah while she slept and headed to OhioHealth Mansfield with plans to get straight to Riverside if it was anything real.
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