50 DAYS OLD

I have been soaking in the moments at home with Hannah and haven’t been able to share the celebrations for Gabriella today. We are playing Barbies, cooking and getting out a few Christmas things. 

Happy 50 days (7weeks) little Gabriella Faith! I made a sign and painted my nails like confetti to celebrate her fight. She kicked off week 7 with kicking off her nasal cannula c-pap and killin it breathing on her own. Her lungs are still very immature and she is having moments of apnea or holding her breath. Those dips in stats are still just as scary as the first. They are increasing caffeine again to see if that helps before they would put oxygen in the isolette or put her back on nasal cannula. We are so thankful she is growing, increasing tube feeds and is on her way to 4lb. 

A few thoughts from earlier last week: 

And just like that, I have been living the NICU life for almost 50 days. I still feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m still scared when I hold her and our family has not found a good daily rhythm yet. Our weekend didn’t go as planned again due to Hannah’s cough and possible pink eye. We so wanted to just stay together and hope that it passes. It is insane how she has been consistently sick since the week preschool started. But instead, we did what we thought was right to protect Gabriella and Aaron took Hannah to an urgent care. She got her meds/eye drops started just in case. Nothing has felt easy lately. I told the nurse today that maybe I would be less stressed if we could eliminate our constant sickness from the equation and not be doing this during the holidays. In reality, the stress probably wouldn’t feel any different without those things. As I was leaving, I asked a gentleman if I could get in the elevator with him. He had a baby born at 30 weeks and is on day 3. He said “wow” when I told him how long we had been here and sorta asked for how I am getting through it. I talked about how it doesn’t really feel easier and the importance of taking breaks away from the hospital to reset and rest. I encouraged him not to expect himself to sleep in the hospital room and that it is hard to leave your baby, but somehow you do what you need to survive because you feel the guilt no matter where you are anyway. It was in that moment I realized that without me knowing it, I was suddenly the experienced one who is seasoned in all things NICU. By no means am I proficient or have the right answer, but we were on different parts of the path and I had the ability to give some direction in the journey. Like many mommas who have reached out to me and have been through this thing called preemiehood, I have truly appreciated the advice and tips. I also have gotten a lot of information from the FB groups with all of the families in similar situations. All in all, It is apparent that I need to practice the two things I am learning. One, I cannot live in constant fear and miss the little moments, blessings, miracles, and things to celebrate. Two, I can always make a positive impact or learn from others no matter how low, behind, or insignificant in the marathon I feel because there is always someone in front and behind me. Also, be careful because sometimes even when you are angry about it, it is God’s guidance and presence in front or behind pushing and pulling too.